A little while ago I began writing a spoof life coaching column. Some entries were read out on a local radio station and seemed to go down quite well. I thought, therefore, I’d give myself an alter-ego of Crusty Madman and post some on here. I hope you enjoy them!
The first post deals with affirmations…
Affirmations – Talk Yourself Up
Affirmations are free, easy and can be very effective. Repeating a positive phrase in front of the mirror, in the car, or writing it down on paper embeds it into your mind.
The following are just a few techniques you can use – I will come back to some of the others at a later date.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall…
Stand in front of the mirror and say positive things about, and to yourself like: ‘I AM intelligent’ and ‘There is NOTHING that I cannot achieve’ etc.
A strange thing happened while I was using this affirmation exercise. The mirror mysteriously fell to ground without me touching it and when I picked it up my reflection showed my face with 6 eyes, 3 noses and nearly 100 teeth. This was rather disconcerting as the mirror wasn’t broken.
Some people recommend doing the mirror technique naked. This is fine in your own home but you’re liable to be arrested if you start talking to yourself in an unclothed state in public. It’s behavior that tends to be frowned upon by the vast majority of the population.
Exercise for body and mind
Particularly useful for those people on a health kick. Repeat your affirmations while exercising and they will become part of your thought process.
While running chant the mantra: ‘With every step I take, I grow stronger – NOTHING can stop me.’ However, be careful to avoid that raised paving slab on the corner of Prince’s Street or you’ll end up in a hedge. Look out for the Pit Bull Terrier on Mayor’s Walk and the batty woman with the brolly on Oundle Road. On second thoughts use a treadmill.
While repeating your affirmation, actively think of ways to integrate it into your life. If your affirmation is “I have a great xxxxx”: find ways of loving your xxxxx, improving your relationship with xxxxx, and best ways of achieving xxxxx.
The x’s are intended as blanks but all they’re doing for me is make me think lurid thoughts about the girl at the bakery!
Here are some affirmations you may like to try:
- “I am healthy.” [That was my last burger, honest]
- “I am happy.” [I’m watching ‘Bilko’]
- “I take charge of my life.” [at the extortionate rate of 26.9% APR]
- “My eyes see clearly see the world around me.” [except when I haven’t got my contacts in]
- “I am free.” [Actually I charge £90 an hour]
- “I am listening to spirit everyday.” [It says: ‘Drink me!’]
- “I am wise.” [That’s a laugh!]
- “I am a spark of divine love.” [You’ve got to be joking!]
- “I am beautiful.” [Ha Ha Haaaa!!!]
So there you have it – get naked and talk to your reflection. Hmmm, which way is it to the asylum?
CRUSTY MADMAN’S CHALLENGE: Get a new mirror or stop taking hallucinatory drugs.