Posted by: crustynomad | July 9, 2007

Crusty Madman Blog – ‘Presentation, Presentation, Presentation!’

A couple of weeks ago I spoke about affirmations and the benefits of standing in front of a mirror and talking to yourself, naked or otherwise. Well, today I’m concentrating on the otherwise and by that I mean your clothes, appearance and grooming etc.

Take a look at yourself. Are you happy with the image you’re presenting right now? Is your personal hygiene up to scratch or is your personal hygiene CAUSING you to scratch?

Be honest now, do you need an industrial strength deodorant to keep the whiff of bodily fumes at bay? If the answer is yes you’re best off phoning me in advance before you call round so I can arrange to be away on business.

There is nothing so off-putting as the smell of B.O. but to have it compete with the so-called antidote of an anti-perspirant with a fragrance of mountain stream or summer meadow is doomed to failure.

These chemical concoctions are highly hazardous substances in themselves and are practically lethal. They are no more environmentally friendly than the effluent being discharged from the municipal sewage treatment plant located next door to me and directed straight into my garden pond. The goldfish were absolutely furious and the effect on their colouring has now put them breach of the trades descriptions act, 1968.

The sweaty stuff we call perspiration, is part of your body’s cooling system and is natures way of helping you to cool down. It’s not the sweat itself that smells, it’s the odour caused by bacteria on your skin emitting rather unpleasant-smelling natural chemicals. (Urrgghh! Why on Earth did I choose this topic…)

‘Yes Steven, I stink to high heaven. What can I do?’ I hear you cry.
Answer: TAKE A SHOWER MORE OFTEN THAN ONCE A QUARTER!

Seriously, a good wash in all those nooks and crannies every day should keep the problem a bay. Enlist the help of a deodorant without the toxic symbol of a skull and cross bones on the side of the can and you’re in with a chance.

Now for your clothes. Do they have more creases than Mick Jagger’s face or are they more holey than the Pope?

Well, as we all know, first impressions count so if the people you meet haven’t been comatosed by either your B.O. or anti-perspirant you’ve made real progress. However, if you look like you’ve just crawled out of a spin-dryer you’re unlikely to win any fashion awards.

If you can get your clothes cleaned and pressed each week you will feel so much better about yourself. I let out a shriek of delight if I ever go to a drawer or cupboard and find a ready to wear item of clothing. I may have only bought it yesterday but at least it’s not unpleasantly stained unlike the contents of my Mt Vesuvious washing basket that’s errupting turgid undies and venomous socks.

A good rule of thumb is to remember that a clean, good-fitting pair of jeans and a sweatshirt will always look better than a dirty suit. That minging shirt was a mistake too and as for that tie well…

You get the picture.

Finally, It’s also important to dress right for the right occasion. Your 1992 ‘Monsters of Rock’ T-shirt is NOT appropriate for a job interview or a funeral even if it is black. Likewise, don’t make the mistake of wearing full evening dress if you’re taking part in a swimming gala especially if it’s hired.

CRUSTY’S CHALLENGE: Don’t wear Speedo’s when going to the Opera.

Till next time, stay pong and crinkle free!

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