Posted by: crustynomad | May 18, 2008

Coach Potato – scene 2

Here’s the second scene of my aborted sitcom. To read the first scene go to my post A Good Idea But Too Late.

SCENE 2

EDWARD’S FLAT. INT. DAY.

EDWARD IS STILL IN A STATE OF UNDRESS IN HIS FLAT LOOKING LIKE A HALF-NAKED PIRATE. HE SPOTS A SCHOOL TIE ON THE BACK OF A CHAIR WHICH HE PICKS UP.

EDWARD:
Look at that – I haven’t worn this in nineteen years and yet here it sits waiting for me to reverse the ageing process. Where all my other ties are, and my trousers for that matter, God only knows.

JUST THEN THE DOORBELL GOES.

EDWARD:
Oh, who’s that?

EDWARD WALKS THROUGH TO THE LOUNGE, GRABS HIS COFFEE WHICH IS ON THE BOOKSHELF AND HEADS TO THE DOOR. IT’S FRANK.

FRANK:
Hello sailor.

FRANK HAS KNOWN EDWARD FOR SO LONG THAT BEING DRESSED AS A SEMI-CLAD PIRATE IS OF NO SURPRISE. WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD HE WALKS IN THE FLAT, SNATCHES EDWARD’S COFFEE AND FINISHES IT.

EDWARD:
(STILL STANDING AT THE OPEN DOOR LOOKING INTO THE HALL) Morning Frank.

FRANK:
(HANDS THE MUG BACK TO EDWARD) There’s no sugar in this.

EDWARD:
Yeah, and now there’s no either.

FRANK:
Better put the kettle on again then hadn’t you lad.

FRANK SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA ONLY TO FIND THE REMAINS OF A TAKEAWAY CURRY WHICH MAKES A SUSPICIOUS STAIN ON THE BACK OF HIS OVERALLS. FRANK GLARES AT EDWARD WHO CAN ONLY SHRUG APPOLOGETICALLY. FRANK PUTS THE REMAINS ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND STARTS WIPING HIS OVERALLS WITH THE LOCAL PAPER.

HE THEN PICKS UP A PILE OF MAGAZINES AND THROWS THEM ON THE SOFA AND SITS ON THEM.

EDWARD:
So, er….what do I owe this pleasure?

FRANK:
Do I need a reason? You are my oldest and best mate. Today is a big day for you and I wanted to offer my support.

EDWARD:
(TAKEN ABACK) Really?

FRANK:
Nah, I want a lift into town – my van’s off the road.

EDWARD:
Not in the canal again?

FRANK:
No-oo. Is that kettle on yet?

EDWARD:
No, I haven’t put the kettle on.

FRANK:
It’d suit you. (WINKS)

EDWARD:
Huh. (BEAT) No, I do need a suit though – I can’t seem to find mine which is a bit of a puzzle as I have at least half a dozen.

FRANK:
I knew you’d forget.

EDWARD:
Forget what?

FRANK:
Julia took them to the cleaners for you.

EDWARD:
Oh. Oh, yeah…

FRANK:
Why she does all this stuff for you, I’ll never know – it’s not as if she works for you any more.

EDWARD:
Julia and I are like that (CROSSES FINGERS). We’ve been through a lot, me and her. I gave her her first job, she put me up when I separated from Selina. I even rescued her when her house caught fire.

FRANK:
You can’t take credit for that! She had some bug didn’t she and you said: “Don’t worry Ju, you just relax – I‘ll look after you.”

EDWARD:
Yeah well…

FRANK:
Four fire engines from three different stations had to be called all because you wanted to rustle up some tea and toast.

EDWARD:
I know and I have apologized to her on numerous occasions. She did at least get the house redecorated on the insurance. She’d been moaning about that for ages.

FRANK PICKS UP THE LOCAL PAPER AGAIN.

FRANK:
If you’d paid her something approaching a living wage she may have been able to do something about it herself. (BEAT) She’s besotted with you, you know that don’t you. If you don’t start treating her a little better you’ll lose her.

EDWARD:
You what? You’re talking like we’re married or something.

FRANK GINGERLY SCREWS UP THE KORMA STAINED NEWSPAPER COVER AND STARTS READING THE INSIDE PAGES.

FRANK:
(TO HIMSELF) If she had her way…

EDWARD:
(LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Anyway, we better go. If you get your a**e off my of Private Eye we still have time to pick up a suit before the meeting.

FRANK:
Ahh, but if only that were true. Sketchley’s are closed today.

EDWARD:
You’re joking!

FRANK:
‘fraid not – some nutter parked his van through its front window.

CUT TO A SHOT OF THE VAN IMBEDDED IN THE SHOP WINDOW AND FRANK EMERGING THROUGH THE BACK DOOR.

EDWARD:
Oh terrific!

FRANK:
Sorry.

EDWARD’S MOBILE RINGS.

EDWARD:
Hello? Edward King Life Coaching. If your life’s a joke then I’m your bloke.

IT’S CHRISTOPHER THOMPSON, EDWARD’S (VERY YOUNG) BANK MANAGER WHO IS FOREVER TRYING TO GET HOLD OF EDWARD TO GET TO CLEAR HIS OVERDRAUGHT. THE SCENE CUTS BETWEEN THE TWO CHARACTERS.

CHRISTOPHER:
Mr King? This is Christopher Thompson the manager of Southern bank.

EDWARD:
Oh, Christ!

CHRISTOPHER:
I’m sorry?

EDWARD:
Oh, Christ-opher, how glad I am you called. I afraid I can’t speak right now as I’m…erm…in an important business meeting, yes.

AT THAT VERY MOMENT FRANK TURNS ON THE TV AND THE THEME MUSIC FROM BOB THE BUILDER BLARES OUT. EDWARD DIVES INTO HIS BATHROOM TO CONTINUE THE CALL.

CUT TO BATHROOM. AS EDWARD TALKS HE REALISES HE WANTS A PEE.

CHRISTOPHER:
Mr King, is this the same meeting as last Monday, and the Thursday before that and the previous Friday?

EDWARD:
It has overrun slightly yes.

CHRISTOPHER:
We must talk about your finances as soon as possible.

EDWARD IS NOW DESPERATE FOR THE TOILET AND BEGINS TO SHUFFLE AROUND UNCOMFORTABLY.

EDWARD:
Yes…OK, we will…erm…

CHRISTOPHER:
But when Mr King?

EDWARD:
Um, look can you hang on a moment…

EDWARD CAN WAIT NO LONGER AND RELIEVES HIMSELF THERE AND THEN.

EDWARD:
Ahhhhh!

CHRISTOPHER:
Mr King? Is that…is that running water I can hear?

EDWARD:
Er, yes it is. I’m near a fountain. Like I said I’m in a meeting. Big business deal. Posh hotel.

CHRISTOPHER:
Really? Where’s that?

EDWARD PANICS AND THINKS OF THE FIRST NAME THAT COMES INTO HIS HEAD.

EDWARD:
Oh, um, the Royal Park hotel, yes.

EDWARD BITES HIS KNUCKLE IN ANGER WITH HIMSELF AS HE’S GIVEN AWAY WHERE HE WILL BE THAT MORNING.

CHRISTOPHER:
(SUDDENLY HAPPIER) Oh I see! So you’re saying you could be a little flushed in the near future then?

EDWARD:
(HOLDING ONTO THE LAVORTORY CHAIN) I‘d say that was a near certainty, yes.

CHRISTOPHER:
I’m going to be down that way myself in a while so we may just bump into each other. (SMILES MISCHIEVOUSLY)

EDWARD CUPS HAND ROUND MOUTH AND PUTS ON A FAKE VOICE.

EDWARD:
(FALSETTO) Calling Edward King. Would Mr Edward King please report to reception.

EDWARD:
I’m being called Mr Thompson – gotta go now, bye! (QUICKLY HANGS UP)

CUT BACK TO THE LOUNGE AS EDWARD RETURNS TO THE ROOM.

FRANK:
Who was that?

EDWARD:
The bank – they want their money back.

FRANK:
Tell ‘em to there’s a queue and it starts at this sofa. You still owe me for that Howard Jones LP you bought back in ‘84.

EDWARD:
(IGNORING HIM) Trouble is I’ve gone and told him I’ll be at the Royal Park.

EDWARD HAS A BRAINWAVE.

EDWARD:
Hey if I don’t go I can pretend to Robinson that it was all a test. It will get him to be assertive and use his initiative to see what he does under pressure…

FRANK:
Oh, good move. Confuse and jilt your first client and piss off your bank manager.

EDWARD:
OK, OK! It was just an idea. (BEAT) I’ll still have to buy another suit though as this ‘Jolly Roger’ look wasn’t what I had in mind. Time for the old card to take another hammering.

FRANK GIVES EDWARD A KNOWING LOOK.

EDWARD:
Alright I’ll cut it up straightaway afterwards.

FRANK:
I’ll tell you something else that needs cutting – your hair.

EDWARD LOOKS UP PUZZLED. HIS HAIR IS TOTALLY OBSCURRED BY THE BANDANA.

EDWARD:
How can you tell? You can’t even see it.

FRANK:
…and I know just the place. I’ve got a job down at Supercuts so you can drop me off.

EDWARD:
(IRRITATED) No, I’ve changed my mind. I’m not your chauffeur – you can find your own way there.

FRANK:
(DISAPPOINTED): Oh.

EDWARD:
Ha! That’s foxed you.

FRANK LOOKS AT THE COFFEE TABLE.

FRANK:
I wouldn’t leave those car keys lying around if I were you…

EDWARD:
Eh?

FRANK SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP, GRABS THE KEYS AND BOLTS FOR THE DOOR.

EDWARD:
You little git!

EDWARD RACES OUT AFTER FRANK. FOR A FEW SECONDS ALL IS QUIET THEN EDWARD COMES BACK IN, PUTS ON THE MOST HORRENDOUS PAIR OF BERMUDA SHORTS AND THEN WALKS OUT AGAIN.

END OF SCENE

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