Posted by: crustynomad | December 2, 2009

Blind date legislation – a sketch

THERE IS TABLE SET FOR A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WITH A SLOVENLY GUY (PAUL) SAT SLOUCHED IN ONE OF THE CHAIRS. ELEGANTLY DRESSED SHEILA APPROACHES WHISPERING AGGITATEDLY INTO A MOBILE PHONE. AS SHE REACHES THE TABLE SHE HANGS UP AND SMILES WEAKLY. SHE SITS AND TAKES A SIP FROM A GLASS OF WINE.

PAUL:
You took your time. Didn’t realise powdering your nose could take so long. Just how much have you snorted?

SHEILA NEARLY CHOKES.

SHEILA:
Not enough, clearly.

WE HEAR A RAISED VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND BUT CAN”T HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID.

RACHEL:
(OUT OF BREATH) Sheila, I got here as fast as I could.

SHEILA:
Thank god! Paul? This is Rachel Tomms from Trading Standards. She’d like a word about the content of your Lonely Hearts advert.

PAUL:
Eh?

RACHEL:
Paul Spencer, I am acting on behalf of Sheila Andrews who claims that your advert in ‘Sado Singles’ in last Thursday’s Chorlton Advertiser contravenes the Trades Descriptions Act 1968 and the Malicious Communications Act 1988 which prohibits the sending or delivering of letters or other articles with the purpose of causing distress or anxiety.

PAUL:
You what?

RACHEL READS FROM THE NEWSPAPER.

RACHEL:
For instance, you describe yourself as ‘A bronzed Adonis’. Tell me, is that your body you‘re sitting in?

PAUL:
Of course it is!

RACHEL:
Well, it’s not good enough. If you had presented yourself as dirty instead of bronzed we would’ve found that acceptable.

PAUL:
Dirty?!

RACHEL:
We also suggest you replace the term ‘Adonis’ with ‘A donkey’.

PAUL:
You want me to describe myself as ‘a dirty donkey’?

RACHEL:
If you want to avoid prosecution, yes. Your whole advert is littered with inaccuracies….

PAUL:
This is rich – what about her ad then? You’re not telling me she’s a a size 12 – not unless she’s referring to the size of her feet.

RACHEL:
(UNBELIEVING) You said you were a size 12?

SHEILA:
Er…

RACHEL:
Weights and Measures Act 1985 – that’s a CLEAR contravention.

SHEILA:
Now just a minute…

RACHEL:
You could also do her under the Misrepresentation Act 1967…

SHEILA:
You…you fart!

PAUL:
Don’t you call me a fart!

SHEILA:
No, I mean, YOU fart…

RACHEL:
Ah, the Explosive Acts, 1875 and 1923…

PAUL:
EVERBODY farts – it’s a normal bodily function.

SHEILA:
Yeah, but you don’t have to let rip every two minutes.

RACHEL:
Hmmm, that would come under the 1974 Control of Pollution Act.

PAUL:
Ha! If we’re gonna talks about pollution what about that fragrance you wear! I didn’t realise Sellafield* had a perfume counter.

RACHEL:
(COUGHS) Poisons Act 1972

SHEILA:
Look, I’ve had enough of this – I’m leaving!

PAUL:
Good! I was about to ask the waiter if I could order an oxygen tent!

SHEILA:
Before I go there’s just one last thing I must ask.

PAUL:
What’s that?

SHEILA:
Some people like to think that they are better looking than they really are but how on earth could you claim to have ‘a tasty six pack’? There’s enough blubber on you to keep an Eskimo family going all winter.

PAUL:
Tasty six pack? You silly woman – I was talking about beer!

PAUL PULLS OUT SIX TINS OF BEER AND SLAMS THEM ON THE TABLE. HE PULLS THE RING PULL ON ONE AND IT SPRAYS EVERYWHERE.

END

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